Thoughts are always flowing in my mind. You can say I think a lot. I believe it's true too. I've been thinking about my grandfather for 2 years+, not everyday but maybe once or twice a week, or just a fleeting thought. I had wanted to write this really long ago, and today is finally the day.
He has been staying with me for 14+ years, before he passed away to a painful lung cancer death 5 days before my first O level paper. He was a constant motivation to me and I really missed him a lot till now. Although I was really hurt initially, I managed to pick up my feelings and with the prayer of my 2 form tutors(because I fell sick but I did not tell them about the passing of my grandfather as I did not want any special attention), I managed to do fairy well for my O levels and I really have to thank God for it.
When I was young, he taught me to read and write. I remember times when I was 5-7, he will help me master the writing of Chinese characters by writing the characters by himself but in dotted lines. Thinking back, it was really something I did not cherish and really thank him for. He always brought me and my siblings to Sembawang Park too. My uncle lives near there and we usually go there on holidays to cycle and have fun. He thought me to cycle and always said I took 5 minutes to learn. That is why I wanted to get a road bike back in 2008 and join competitions to win something for him. I went for the inaugural OCBC cycling in 2009 but didn't perform too well due to lack of a good bike and lack of proper training. However, after As, I will do my best to train and join any competition, be it triathlons, biathlons or duathlons.
Also, he always brought me to school in my primary school days, he will take the bus with me, bring me to the gate, and then walk home. How I wish I could turn back time to walk this road all over again, but with me telling him how much I cherish the time we spend together. In secondary school, I did not spend much time with him due to the hectic schedule of my CCA, which was canoeing, but nonetheless, the times I remember were really when I was young.
He truly supported everything I did, and never fails to try to make me laugh when I was really young. He was really a disciplinarian to his own children, but to me and my siblings, he was ever so friendly and you can never imagine he was a disciplinarian. I knew it because my dad told me about his younger days. I never had the chance to preach the gospel to him, or rather I did not know how to make it come out of my mouth. Although my brother tried, I heard he smiled and still said no, I am still unhappy with myself for not trying, because you'll never know what will happen unless you try.
I remember when he was in the hospice(which is a place for people who are going to die), I went to visit him one night with my parents, I brought my chem MCQ paper and did a few questions there. We established eye contact once, he smiled at me, I had to fight my tears from falling. Even now, when I am writing this, I can't help but cry while I think about all the times we had together. Not only did he teach me specific skills, but also how to live my life properly. I clearly remember 4 days before he passed away, I went to visit him in my Uncle's house and I was carrying a really thick History file. I sat right on the side where his head lay, he saw me with this file, he told me to go study, I had to prevent myself from crying again. Why was I bringing my damn file or doing work whenever I went, instead of spending his last few days with him? He still wanted me to do well, I was really touched. His last few days were characterised by increasing the Oxygen content the machine had to give as his whole body was failing, he couldn't speak, but whenever the effects of morphine ran out, he will scream in pain and my grandmother had to feed him the morphine. He was just sleeping until he finally passed away, getting rid of the pain of cancer.
My grandfather is a great man. He stopped his studies because of the Japanese Occupation in Singapore, He was 11 then. He went around trying to earn some money and eventually married his childhood sweetheart. Life then was crap. He had to earn money to feed 4 children. Thus, while juggling work in M'sia, he rode his scooter over at night for night classes. He always boasted about how good he was, particularly one incident where the teacher insisted that he was correct, with only my grandfather not agreeing with him. My grandfather turned out to be right. I truly believed he was a really smart man and a hardworking one too. Our lives today are much more comfortable, we complain about what we have to go through, but if you really think about it, what we are going through is nothing, nothing compared to the shit our ancestors went through. Why don't stop whining and start living our lives, as proper human beings?
Right now, I still do not know how to preach the gospel to my grandmother. I need to one day, before it's all too late. It's really sad knowing that people you love are destined for Hell.
I did not really want to type this all for people to read, but I just wanted to express my feelings.
posted @
6:29 PM
